How am I Doing?

You didn't ask, but someone else did. I was going to answer her but it turned out to be too long for a comment so... It goes in The Blog.

 

I used to be able to sleep in. They say it doesn't really Help and you should go to bed and get up at the same time every day. And I'd believe them... But never enough to actually do it...

And then I had a baby and was more exhausted than I'd ever been in my life and isolated even when I took great pains to get out and meet people. But I found a mom group that didn't mind if you were 5-10 min late sometimes, that was usually closer to my home (my baby always hated the car seat). For a few months, my husband would let me get 5-60 minutes of sleep in time. It was always after I'd been awake too long to go back to sleep but it was rest and it helped.

Then COVID. Lockdown. NO people because my brother wouldn't take it seriously and was seriously dating someone who also wasn't taking it as seriously as we were. I didn't want to orphan my child. He has two older parents... I didn't want him to be the rare case of a child who gets it bad or to have long term effects from it.

He was barely two when the pandemic started and the first complex thought he expressed, a week after lockdown started was "I'm lonely. I need to play with my friends." He said that every day for a month. It broke my heart and I tried to explain why we couldn't. He stopped asking and seemed to get it... That broke my heart differently...

I was making all our meals every day. I know I've been privileged to do differently but I was used to grabbing a Taco Bell lunch once a week and going out to eat dinner once in a while. My husband made pizza once a week for about a year. I needed to get out/prep all the toppings and help him get it in and out of the oven... But it was dinner, he did most of the work and it was good.

Then we got our shots, lived closer to family who take it more seriously and we started doing lots of outdoor play dates. It's 1/20 the risk outside so outdoor anything is a whole lot safer. It was a lovely summer. This state has been pretending the pandemic is over for over a year now and the new high cases don't seem to have changed much of that thinking... So...

We locked down again. Hopefully, not for as long this time? It's time for my mid life crisis. I'm dealing with unresolved trauma. I've had a few miscarriages and I couldn't even try to get pregnant for a lot longer than I would have liked for my age because being pregnant and having COVID is terrifying... And being a high risk pregnant person during a pandemic is terrifying... I spent 6 months this year where the first half I was pregnant with strong symptoms for 2 months of it and then I was bleeding for 3 months... And probably should have gone to the ER twice... I haven't seen a dentist in years but I'm lucky to have really good teeth and I haven't needed it...

I have been exhausted and depressed... But now I'm kind of coming out of it... Hopeful that The Pandemic will be...I don't even know, better? It won't go away. I worry that people with compromised immune systems won't be able to live a "full life" ever again when this goes endemic. I wish we could have done better by them... I hope the pandemic is over soon... My son may get to start preschool again soon because the other family we do this with is recovering from COVID... It's too cold to do preschool outside, most days... And I feel guilty for preschool... I've been a too distracted mom as it is and now he's going to be away from me for 5 hours a week again... I need the time and I miss him too...